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Monday, November 15th, 2010

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:4:25 pm.
In the fight against their nemesis Arrontron Joe and Nicole got separated, they wandered for a hundred years through trash and filth and vaginal secretions. After years of searching and messing around with married mormon men Nicole found Joe digging through a stack of old porno magazines in an alley. during his time alone he had gone insane and Nicole found him filthy and diseased and wearing only a huge urine-stained Big Dogs t-shirt.

Nicole paid the health department $2 to hose him down with their chemical cocktail and then slapped that bitch into shape. Once Joe came to his senses their souls again rejoined as one, angels were singing and shit. "Come on nicole, let's go!" "Ok but first you have to get dressed, you nasty" said Nicole as she took pics of her perfect hair with her phone. Once Joe changed into his XXXL-petite bridesmaid's dress they set off to continue their magically trashy adventures....
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Friday, August 24th, 2007

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:2:18 pm.
GAYBOT 2000 and his gay dance team proceeded beat the shit out of punkass Nicole in perfect sync for making such a shitty skagstories post in which she didn't even finish the last sentence she was working on. Joe hid behind a trash can due to his homophobia and pretended to send text messages to his imaginary friends.

Meanwhile, Nicole was getting raped by a herd of wild camels because the camels were just so appalled by the atrocity of the skagstories post that she had just made. The camels were so upset that they built a raft and came from africa or saudi arabia or whatever shithole desert camels live in to rape the shit out of Nicole- just to totally tear her ass up.

Meanwhile, Joe went inside the chinese bakery and stuffed himself with pork buns that had been sitting under a heat lamp since the day JFK was shot. Joseph ate 21 pork buns, 37 sun biscuits, 14 stray cat dumplings, 68 mushy rice cakes, 14 vietnamese babies, and washed it down with plenty of 5 o'clock gin and vodka.

Outside, Nicole was wailing about losing her virginity to a herd of camels, so Joe went outside and told her "Bitch you haven't been a virgin since the industrial revolution" and she threw an eye pencil at his face. It missed but impaled his right breast implant and silicone just fucking flew everywhere, at the same time joe began projectile vomiting the shitty chinese swill he had been eating all over too, and it scared the horny camels away.

"That was close Joe" nicole said! "Let's be the best of friends forever!" Joe said okay and Joe and Nicole exchanged picture messages of themselves. They were all bloodied and were covered with puke and silicone and camel jizz and it was just SO HOT!


"IT IS I, ARRONTRON, BITCHES!" Their old nemesis Arrontron had returned! She stood towering over them like a t-rex! "NICOLE WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" joe asked helplessly. YOUR NEXT SKAGSTORIES BETTER BE GOOD YOU PUNK BITCH OR I'LL SEND YOU DOG SHIT IN THE MAIL
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Saturday, August 18th, 2007

Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:3:51 pm.
Being quick witted and amazing as usual Nicole got on Joes back and smacked his ass and he started bucking and trotting to their next destination: PAN MEI BAKERY.

After 67 days and 3 miles they finally made it. But as they were about enter and over indulge in over cooked sugary rice and coconut rolls and pork rolls..GAYBOT 2000 and his gay dance team
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Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:3:09 pm.
...and it was driven by none other than Whitney Houston! She had her own music playing and the song I'M EVERY WOMAN was screeching out of her limo at maximum volume. Poor Whitney was all cracked out and her limo rear-ended John Travolta's minibus, sending him and his butt plug plummeting into the ocean.

Whitney rolled down the window of her limo to speak to them. She was crazed and skeletal, wearing a pair of blue jeans from 1984 and black stilettos, but she was totally topless! Her skin glistened with a sheen of sweat.

"HAVE EITHER OF YOU SEEN BOBBY? BOBBY! BOBBY! INEEDSMYHOOKUP! BOBBYBROWN!" she screamed at them. Joe scrambled for a pen. "Whitney can I have your autograph?! I'm your hugest fan! Your song 'I'm every woman' speaks to me on so many levels!"

"GET THAT SHIT OUT MY FACE WHITE BOY" she screamed at him, and joe quivered with joy. Whitney's nostrils were coated with white powder.

"Hey Whitney, can we have a ride?" Nicole asked. "We're trying to find Jean Hill's magical panties. Also, my period was a week late."

Nicole got in but she and Whitney made Joe ride on top of the car, clinging for dear life. Joe knocked on the sunroof and begged to be let in, but Whitney drove onto the expressway and swerved back and forth to throw him off while Nicole cackled maniacally. Joe sobbed violently onto the glass ceiling of the limo while Nicole got her cell phone out and listened to her ringtones, totally ignoring him.

Eventually Whitney thought she saw Bobby, but it was actually a busted out old school bus full of nuns. She crashed into it and Joe went flying through one of the bus windows, landing upside down inside the bus and accidentally exposing himself to all of them, who proceeded to beat his gay ass silly with bibles. Nicole saved him by jumping onto the bus and stabbing them all with broken vodka bottles she'd made herself that very morning, but in the scuffle Joe's sequined bridesmaid dress went up around his waist again and he accidentally exposed himself to Nicole, so Nicole killed him too by punching him in the kegel so hard his heart stopped.

Once everyone was dead Joe came back to life and they got off the bus. "Oh no, Nicole, whatever will we do? We're stranded in the middle of nowhere! Now we'll surely perish!"

Nicole hit him in the face with a frozen turkey she pulled from her prim and princessy vagina, but by then she had already come up with a plan...
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Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:12:34 am.
DIVINE!, Joe and Nicole peed in excitement! then Joe looked closely..and realized it's that peice of shit John Travolta! Nicole and Joe imediatly vomited violently on John. "HOW DARE YOU I AM DIVINE!111!!".. "Bitch you ain't no queen, you're just the taxi driver from Look Who's Talking" snapped Nicole. He was noticibly getting angry. Joe fainted like the dainty fragile flower he is.. Nicole took a huge dump on his chest. A limo pulled up just as Nicole was going to scratch some eyes out..

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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
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Thursday, November 9th, 2006

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:2:57 pm.
But as soon as Lindsay Lohan entered the room, she slipped in a huge pile of Joe and Nicole's mixed feces and fell over, exposing her bruised and busted vagina to the whole room. Joe gasped and almost fainted upoon seeing it, appalled at Lindsay's lack of panties, and Nicole went into a frenzy, hissing maniacally at Lindsay's roast beef.

After Lindsay managed to stand she turned to her posse, a large crew of shirtless eight-foot-tall black men. One of them gave her a bottle of tequilla, which she stuck in her crotch. When she removed it again, the cork was gone! She lifted her skirt and sent the cork rocketing out of her raggedy twatwaffle, hitting one of the mahogany queens on the forehead while she was making scat into her hand. OMG! The queen fell over and died and the remaining queens went into a rage, hurling themselves at Lindsay and her posse. Lindsay's posse pulled out toothbrushes fashioned into shivs and the queens pulled out hunks of their own weave and snapped it around like whips.

"Lets get out of here Joe!" Nicole yelled!

"OMG okay!" Joe jumped into Nicole's arms like Scooby Doo and Nicole high-tailed it out of there while Lindsay Lohan screeched and cackled horribly from the room behind them. Bodily wastes were flying about with wild abandon. Someone threw a snowball at Nicole's head that had a dog turd hidden inside, but she avoided it narrowly and it struck a young child instead, leaving the dog turd stuck to the side of his mouth.

When they got outside a homeless mexican woman was urinating on a dead baby in the gutter.

Joe spoke up, "Hey Nicole, your momma is so poor I saw her putting a penny down the drain and I asked what the bitch was doing and she said paying the rent."

Nicole kicked his legs out from under him, sending him stumbling into the homeless woman's powerful stream of urine. He caught the herpes simplex instantly. Just then, as Nicole was fixing her perfect hair and Joe was drowning under a powerful cascade of urea, one of their favorite movie stars drove up in a minibus...
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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006

Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:3:15 am.
Joe and Nicole arrived 5 hours late to the mansion of luv. Once they arrived inside they were whisked away to the dressing rooms to get ready for the panty ceremony. Joe started cramping, but the producers refused to let him use the little boys room. Once they got their $3 polyester patio gowns they were read for the show to start.

They went downstairs to a room full of ebony sweetness. There were fights everywhere alreadyw ith weave rippage included. Joe was so excited he forgot to hold his bowels, it came out like a dump truck pouring mounds and mounds of dirt. This made Nicole shit, and soon after everybody else.

Soon after the last bowel released, Lindsay Lohan walked in with her crew...
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Monday, April 24th, 2006

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:1:56 pm.
Nicole pulled on Joe's hair and bit his scalp to make him pull over at her favorite "beauty shop," the goodwill! As Joe and Nicole drove up in their magical horse-drawn pumpkin, the goodwill beauties rolled the red carpet out for them. Joe and Nicole stepped out of their pumpkin carriage and walked to the front door while flashbulbs flashed all around. News of their exploits had reached the rest of the world, and they were famous!

Inside, Rae-Rae and Neequanae-nae J., their favorite saleswomen, ran up to them to show them the latest goodwill fashions. Rae-Rae gave Nicole a magical 80's belt of pure white acrylic, that was a full foot wide with gigantic golden holes and dangling gold chains, and a gorgeous pair of 1981 original sunglasses that were bigger than her whole face. Neequanae-nae J. gave Joe a beautiful black bridesmaid dress, size xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxl and covered head-to-toe in rainbow sequins. Joe and Nicole gave them their camera phones so that they could have beautiful LJ pics taken of them together. Joe deleted all of them afterward except for the ones that made him look divine and made Nicole look hideous, and Nicole only kept the ones that made her look gorgeous but Joe look like a child molester.

Joe and Nicole spent the next week exploring the bowels of goodwill, and left with piles and piles of fabulous fashion accessories and lots of blood and urine-stained underpants. Joe paid for everything with two pennies he found under his chair in the carriage and Rae-Rae & Neequanae-nae J. crisped Joe and Nicole's bangs for them before they set out again to find their prince charmings and Jean Hill's magical panties. Once they got in the carriage, Nicole screamed at Joe "YOU KILLED OUR BABY YOU FUCKING SON OF A FUCKING BITCH-COCKSUCKER!" and punched him in the face so hard that he got two black eyes instantly. Joe began to shiver and urinate uncontrollably as the carriage pulled away to their next magical destination...
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Sunday, December 11th, 2005

Subject:Hot Carls
Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:8:23 pm.
Soon after what it seemed an eternity... or 10 minutes Joe and Nicole got bored so they decided to take a detour and stop at Hot Carls soul food empourium. They got inside and sat down.. they felt like they were in a sea of chocolate. The voluptuous oversized waitress slammed the menus down. Joe started shaking and urinating like a small dog. "What can I get for ya sweet potatoe nipple nappers" ... "Uh I want chicken" Nicole stuttered. .. Joe proceeded to urinate more and then a homeless man violated him in 8 different ways, while Nicole looked on and ordered Joe Chicken as well.. They waitress reached in her panties and pulled out 2 chicken legs and scraped some collard greens from her chest hair, and proceeded to plucked corn bread out of her large weave. Joe ate it while hovering in the corner ina fetal position.

They left a $3.21 tip .. and quickly left to further on their journey. But they made another stop at the beauty shop..
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Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

Posted by:paramonium.
Time:1:17 am.
Soon after they left TamTam's, the half-jewish bald hooker, they came across one of Nicole's old flames. He strutted up to them, his bald head glistening and his muscles bulging. Nicole put her hair up into pigtails before he got too close and Joe rolled his eyes. "Who is that, Nicole?" Joe asked, and she replied "That's Frank, some guy I totally dated and totally blew once like omg." She then proceeded to rave about his majestic penis for ten minutes.

Frank eyed Nicole's beautiful feather-lined potato sack up and down for a minute. "Hey baby, you are looking pretty good. My girlfriend is in the car but in the meantime I'd like to give you the greatest gift of all time- letting you give me a blowjob!" Nicole lit up with excitement! It was clear that he was using a voodoo spell on her!

Joe pulled open Nicole's bag (that held everything on earth) and pulled out a shovel. With a harsh battle cry, Joe charged at Frank as he swaggered and grabbed at his bulging crotch. Once Joe got within swinging distance, Frank flexed his arm muscles and invited Joe to touch them. All the queer in Joe was immediately cast under his spell and he dropped the shovel.

Frank cackled maniacally into the cave. "HA HA HA! NOW NO ONE WILL EVER REACH JEAN HILL'S MAGICAL PANTIES!"

Just then, a strange squirting noise filled the cave, and in ran TamTam with an enormous wig on! The wig was put up in a topknot, which she swung about wildly. She swung her topknot around and around in a grim whirlwind of death. With a mighty swipe, she cut Frank in half, and his guts exploded all over everything.

Nicole fell to her knees, mourning Frank's beautiful penis. TamTam took off her death wig and placed it securely within her bulging, squirting box.

"Thanks TamTam," Joe told her. "I don't know how to thank you!"

TamTam only made a strange grunting sound and she rubbed mud onto her body. She pointed deeper into the cave.

"I'm tired of walking, Nicole. Let's drive for a little while. SHould we take the cadillac or mercedes?" Joe pointed to her purse. Nicole pulled out the cadillac and they got in while TamTam waved goodbye and squirted urine onto the ground with agitation.
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Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:12:50 am.
Joe and Nicole felt the tempurature drop rapidly and they soon heard squirting sounds. They came cross a dumpy north Flint looking neighborhood and several popeye chickens, Joe clings to Nicole and cries "I'm skurred Nicole!!", Nicole Slapped that bitch silly. The squirting sounds got louder.. they saw movement.. "YA'LL WANNA BUY SUM RAWKS!?.. I GOTS TA PAY MA CABLE BILL AND FEED MY CATS". A bald tall whore came out of the shadows, wearing green spandex and a hot pink tube top, and sporting some amazing camel toe. Joe and Nicole didn't hesitate and bought $34 worth of rocks. Tamtam (the name of the creature they found out through her gurgling de-phonictized speech impediment) invited them into her trailer which had a stench of cat urine and Briteny Spears 'curious' perfume. She gave them each a new set of clothes they could continue there journey in comfort. Joe was sporting a tight christmas themed teddy, while Nicole wore a Potatoe Sack with purple feather trim. They felt fetching and refreshed.

As they left the rubble, Nicole ran into one of her one night stands..
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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

Subject:Chapter 4: Matzilla's Movie Collection
Posted by:paramonium.
Time:2:56 pm.
They walked away as Matzilla slowly dissolved in Arrontron's vaginal secretions. They came to Matzilla's towering movie collection, which completely blocked the way ahead.

"Nicole, what are we to do?" Joe asked, raising his hand to his forehead. He leaned on Nicole for moral support and she punched him hard in the face.

"I think we'll have to climb, Joe." Nicole answered. They did, and it was tricky because the dvds kept sliding around under their feet. About halfway up the pile, they came upon a cluster of family films. The films, sensing Joe and Nicole's uncleanliness, summoned reinforcements and instantly they were surrounded by a mob of angry soccer moms that chanted biblical phrases and had tattoos of jesus fish all over their bodies. Most of them were pregnant and all of them were blocking their way!

"You can't go any further!" one soccer mom told them, her stomach sloshing back and forth with the weight of her child. "Not until you accept Jesus into your life as your master and surrender yourselves to him completely!"

Joe asked them, "Can I still have butt sex and be friends with Jesus?"

The soccer moms all gasped and a couple had instant miscarriages, praising Jesus and asking him for guidance. The main mom pointed at Joe angrily, her arm skin flopping around like a sack of dead fish.
"SODOMITES!" She screamed at them, while Nicole rolled her eyes, "YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO JEAN HILL'S PANTIES!"

Then the soccer moms parted and from deep in the cave came a low rumbling that was getting louder. Joe clung to Nicole out of fear, who punched him in the face six times until he let go. Headlights washed over them and the biggest SUV in existence drove over the top of the movie pile, pointing straight at them! It was driven by another soccer mom who was talking on a cell phone and steering with her knees, while eighteen retarded, hyperactive children tried to cram into the vehicle and ended up hanging out the windows. Jesus fish and support-the-war stickers covered almost every inch of it.

The SUV's engine revved and spewed eight gallons of gasoline smoke into the air, and then it started coming at them full-speed!

Joe exclaimed "OMFG!1" and started crying. Nicole, keeping her calm, screamed at him to sit. Joe instantly sat down and Nicole picked him up and shook him at the SUV, sending gay dust in the air toward it. The SUV drove through the gay dust, turning the soccer mom into a raging, angry lesbian, turning the children into dogs, turning the Jesus stickers into John Kerry '04 stickers, and turning the SUV into a semi truck. She turned the wheel to point it at the pregnant soccer mom mob, and screamed "BREEDERS! I'LL TEACH YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH MEN!" before she drove over them all.

The bull dyke gave Joe and Nicole a thumbs-up sign as she drove past, and they cheered for her and thanked her for her help before she drove away to make it to the rugby match on time.

With the soccer moms dead and the family films section taken care of, Joe and Nicole made it past the enormous movie pile and ventured deeper into the cave.
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Friday, January 28th, 2005

Subject:Chapter 3: Matzilla
Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:8:31 pm.
Joe and Nicole soon retired to a Starbucks that was located in the
center of the cave and enjoyed some nice cool Frappachinos. Soon after
they did some more livejournal pix omg.
They continued on their quest, but then came about their next
obstacle: Matzilla and his god awful movie coellction.
Joe and Nicole had no fear. They combined their magical ruby red
slippers and with a big swoosh..."With your powers combined I AM
DIVINE!", She stormed over to Matzilla and picked him up by his stolen
goodwill tshirt, and flicked him away into Arrontrons vaginal
"Wew! Thanks Divine!" They chanted, anytime my loves she replied,
"Take this magical whistle, it will help you on your journey". Joey
put it inside Nicoles purse next to the Cadillac and Mercedes..
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Chapter 2: Vaginal Doom
Posted by:paramonium.
Time:8:30 pm.
As they walked, Arrontron yelled from behind them "FOOLS! YOU'VE
FALLEN RIGHT INTO MY TRAP!" Nicole and Joe turned around to see
Arrontron pushing her vagina through the cave after them. The sight
made then whither with fear, as they saw many men eternally trapped
within the vagina. Just then, the vagina opened and a swarm of demon
bat babies flew out, all still attached to a mini umbelical cord. Joe
and Nicole screamed in terror as Arrontron bellowed a laugh through
the cave after them.
"Nicole, quick!" Joe said. "Use your secret weapon!"
Nicole, who was busy screaming at the sight of the demon bat babies,
realized that Joe was right- it was time to use her secret weapon. She
braced her hand on the wall and clenched her face tight while Joe sat
down in a corner for support. He knew what was coming.
Nicole grunted like Rosie O'Donnell and unleashed her MEGA-KEGEL
attack, causing a massive shock wave to come forth from her vagina.
The wave hit all the demon bat babies and the sheer magnitude of the
giant kegel caused half to instantly explode and the rest to fly back
into Arrintron's vagina in fear. Arrintron herself blew cigarette
smoke out her ears and wailed in pain, retreating back to the
forgotten depths from which she came to tempt unwary travellers to
their vaginal doom. Nicole and Joe decided to explore deeper into the
cave, hoping to find Jean Hill's Magical Panties.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:The Journey begins..
Posted by:intarwebpolice.
Time:8:11 pm.
Once upon a time a 'Your-Ride' dropped Joey and Nicole off at the Cave
of Doom. They wanted to find treasure. But that day, all of there
hopes and dreams and innocense were trashed and punctured.

"COME ON YOU KEGEL!" cried Joey, as he tore away at the rocks.
"TREASURE!". Nicole picked up a pebble and threw it, Joe picked up a
boulder and threw it. Five minutes later they were taking pictures of
each other for new Livejournal icons. "I forgot why we came here Joe"
said Nicole. "Me too" replied Joe.

They continued to explore the cave, until they came upon Arrontron.
"WHO DARES TO COME INTO MY CAVE!?" she roared. Tis I, Josheph E.
Thurlow, he then proceeded to whip out his Gay ID.. the magical
Express card, the key to anything. "OMFG" cried Arrontron as she lit
up a pack of cigarettes and put away her ball gag and dildo. "We are
here to find some treasure.. I think?" Said Nicole. "Yes, we came to
find the most magical thing ever!.. Jean Hills panties!". "FOOLS!"
barked Arrontron, everybody knows that's imposible, only the queerest
of queer can do this, how can one prove this? Almost any gay man with
great credit can get a Express card!" "Well.." said Joe, "I got my
hag, and my copy of Destinys Child 'Bootylicius'..". By this point
Arrontron moved on and Joe was left talking to her decapitated
exboyfriend. They quickly left moved furthur on.
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